martes, 27 de octubre de 2009

Un curioso informe psiquiátrico





En un baño del aeropuerto de Ezeiza, en Buenos Aires, me encontré hace algunos días un sobre abandonado, el cuál contenía un documento que me pareció importante. No logré encontrar a quien se le había extraviado. Tenía una firma ilegible pero, por la terminología utilizada, parecía haber sido escrito por un psiquiatra. El documento en cuestión dice:


Informe de Evaluación Psiquiátrica número 17.
( Estrictamente confidencial, para N.K.*)

El paciente es un especímen zambo de unos 54 años, de contextura originalmente atlética pero sometido hoy a intensa sobre-alimentación, la cuál le ha impartido un pronunciado carácter pícnico. Posee un alto índice de adiposidad, superior a 3.5, asi como una severa calcificación cervical que ya le invade, parcialmente, el hemisferio cerebral izquierdo. Los ligamentos de Lugosi se encuentran atrofiados, lo cuál causa al paciente cefaleas intermitentes que inducen alucinaciones cada vez más complejas.

En comparación con nuestra evaluación anterior las tendencias hacia el celibato agresivo y los placeres solitarios se han intensificado. Ciertas manifestaciones neurológicas del tipo Tourette han dado paso, en público, a una logorrea casi incontenible, con duración de hasta ocho horas contínuas, la cuál le sirve al paciente como reemplazo de una actividad sexual ortodoxa. En términos del vulgo, ha reemplazado el orgasmo con la habladera. Esto es lo que en la literatura de los desórdenes genito-verbales se conoce como el Signo Castro-Mussolini, una de las más claras manifestaciones de bipolaridad.

En esta ocasión nuestra entrevista con el paciente reveló un claro progreso del síndrome esquizofrénico. Los síntomas, sin llegar a ser patognomónicos, son contundentes: un pensamiento progresivamente desorganizado, afectos siempre cambiantes que fluctúan abruptamente entre el amor y el odio, múltiples fobias y deseos irresistibles o “antojos” de ser visitado continuamente por modelos, secuestradores y actores de cine.

A nuestra pregunta sobre su estado de ánimo, responde: “No puede ser mejor. Acabo de ordenar a la empresa petrolera que importe de inmediato 300 millones de huevos. Esta es una de las decisiones más importantes que he tomado durante mi mandato”.

Durante la entrevista exploramos el coeficiente de realidad en el paciente y lo encontramos bastante más bajo que durante la evaluación anterior. Nos dijo: “Durante mi visita a Cienfuegos, allá en Cuba, vino de repente una nube negra y me cayó encima completica. Venía del norte. La nube venía, venía y me cayó” nos dijo, mientras se ajustaba el jubón escarlata. Agregó que esa nube le había producido una especie de asma, lo que hemos interpretado como la adopción inconsciente de una nueva personalidad, la del Ché Guevara, en un momento en el cuál se celebraba un nuevo aniversario de su muerte. El paciente no parece tolerar que nadie, muerto o vivo, le robe el show.

En esa misma línea de adopción de múltiples personalidades el paciente nos confesó lo siguiente: “Estoy leyendo mucho sobre la muerte de Bolívar y tengo grandes sospechas de que fue asesinado”. Añadió que a él lo han tratado de asesinar ya diez veces pero no han podido, posiblemente las mismas fuerzas del mal que terminaron con el Libertador. Nos dijo: “He revisado los documentos de la autopsia (he hecho algunas operaciones de apéndice y pudiera ya hacer autopsias, nos confiesa) y me han entregado unos libros inéditos y un mechón de pelo de Bolívar que pienso estudiar a fondo”. Como en estos momentos se está subastando en Europa un mechón de pelo del Ché Guevara, pensamos que el paciente identifica al Ché y a Bolívar consigo mismo, lo cuál demuestra el arraigo del síndrome iluso-esquizofrénico.

Su noción del tiempo se ha visto severamente afectada. Hace poco tiempo trató de establecer un nuevo huso horario y tuvo que desistir, cuando no pudo establecer si la media hora que deseaba cambiar debía ser hacia atrás o hacia adelante. Ello dió origen a un embarazoso debate público en la televisión con uno de sus ministros, su hermano por más señas, posiblemente afectado de una similar patología, la de tratar de vivir en otra época.

El deterioro que muestra su morbiliodad nos obliga a recomendar, en cumplimiento de nuestra responsabilidad profesional, su inmediato internamiento en un centro especializado para candidatos a electro-schock. Sin embargo, no nos fue posible encontrar a nadie, en su entorno familiar o burocrático, que quisiera recibir nuestro diagnóstico y recomendación, a fin de llevar a cabo el internamiento. En otras palabras, nadie se atreve a ponerle el casacabel al gato.

Dejamos así esencialmente cumplida nuestra delicada misión.

Nota del autor: N.K. pudiera referirse a Nikita Krushev, excepto que éste ya falleció hace algun tiempo. Otros candidatos: Noemí Kampbell, Néstor Kirchner, Nicolásar Kozy.

Lo visto ayer en Globovisión refuerza el contenido de esta evaluación: Un loco suelto hablando de paz y amor en lenguaje cloacal a calles semi-vacías.


Gustavo Coronel

http://muevete.wordpress.com/2007/11/06/un-curioso-informe-psiquiatrico/

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